"A million monkeys banging on a million typewriters for a million years will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare."

Mom is making banana muffins which is making the whole house smell nice. It's a good thing too, because the lemon merangue and apple pies she made on the weekend are almost finished and I might not have had any baked goods to eat.

And they wonder why I haven't moved out yet.

I love watching the steam rising from my skin as I step out of the shower. Like Jim Carey, I'm smokin'...

I don't know what the hell I did but my back is killing me today. The most strenuous thing I did last night was play Gamecube with a bunch of guys last night till about 3am. That's some force feedback if MarioKart can make you hurt the next morning.

Shadow puppets are fun, especially on your neighbour's cubicle when she's trying to work.

My friend Lisa gave me The Girl Next Door DVD for a belated birthday present. I haven't seen it yet but I hear it's funny. Just the sight of Elisha Cuthbert on the cover gets one er... thumb... up from me.

On Saturday I drove out to Pickering to get some winter tires put on my car. A friend of mine out there works as a mechanic and got me a really good deal on a set of Dunlops.

I was on the 401 one exit away from where I had to be when I noticed an OPP cruiser filling my rear-view. Shit. On came his lights and I was soon stopped on the side of the road. Now getting a speeding ticket for 45 km/h over the limit really sucks, but it's even worse when your license expired the month before and you didn't get around to renewing it.

So $660 in tickets later, my car is being hoisted and towed to the nearest gas station so I can "make a phone call... or whatever" (meaning as a cop he couldn't witness me drive off without a valid licence). It took another $150 in towing charges before I could get on my way again.

The cop said he couldn't reduce the tickets but he to fight them in court rather than pay the fines (which I would have done anyway). Since I was co-operative he said he'd put in a good word, and already paying for the tow would count towards a reduction as well. I just have to drive back out to Durham region to do it.

The thing is, over Christmas I had in fact gone to Square One during work to line up for my new photo, but the wait was two hours so I chose to come return another time. Not soon enough apparently. Of course today when I went for my renewal I just walked right in and was out in five minutes. Figures.

I forgot I was going to post some pics of my vacation a couple of months ago in Europe. About 600 out of 700 photos I took turned out, but I'm not going to subject you to all of them here. That, and server space is becoming a bit of a problem.

Instead, here's a slideshow I put together for my co-workers who asked to see pics. You can download it here.

It's about 10Mb so it would probably be better to right-click and save to your hard drive. (Requires MS Powerpoint or this viewer to open the file.) Enjoy!

For about fifteen years now I've been getting my haircuts at the same First Choice here in Oakville. Not because they're particularily good (they're hit and miss depending on who's behind the chair), but it's cheap and nearby, and sometimes those that recognize me will allow me to jump the queue. More importantly however, I value haste over precision and they always come through.

That is, until now. This time I was passed off to an old asian woman who moved at the speed of erosion. Snip, fumble, snip snip, swap scissors for clippers, fumble, buzz, swap again, snip, fumble.

I had come straight from work and was getting hungrier (and subsequently crankier) as this continued for 45 minutes, while in that time the chair beside me had a kid and a lady go through. I looked into the mirror half-expecting to see us stuck behind a tractor while the traffic to our left whizzed by.

The sad part is, with all the time she took she didn't really do that good of a job, and I still left her a tip. She was a nice old lady and I suppose I pitied her lack of fine motor skills. I guess I'm guilty of rewarding incompetence, too.

At the request of my tenants, I ordered a refrigerator online three weeks ago for my rental property in Hamilton. I guess five people sharing one fridge was a bit much, even with my suggestion that they live off of popcorn and Slim Jims to save space.

After about six phone calls two ignored emails to Future Shop and the company that they contract out their deliveries to (aptly named Home Delivery Service), I finally got someone to give me an expected arrival date: Jan 20th (yes, tomorrow). After blaming their lack of service on "significanly higher holiday volumes", they were nice enough to narrow down the delivery time to between 12 and 6 o'clock. Only the weatherman can be that vague about a projection and still keep his job.

Maybe I should try it at work tomorrow: "Uh... ya Mister CFO, this month I expect us to make a gross margin of anywhere between minus 40 per cent and say, 800 per cent. Give or take." After they fire my ass maybe I could become the next Miss Cleo.

It's so cold here I think my nipples could cut glass.

I got ordered by my neice to play with her and her Little People train set. She told me where to sit, how to sit and exactly what gadgets I was allowed to play with. I feel sorry for her future husband.

When I started doing things like putting the people in the train upside down, or chasing them down the tracks with the train while they screamed for their lives, she started laughing hysterically. She just kept laughing and laughing and laughing.

I wish I was still amused by little things, just like some people I know!

Today I was sitting in my car the middle of the Dundas and Neyagawa intersection waiting for traffic to clear so I could make my left turn. In front of me was a lady waiting to do the same thing, so I was stuck there until she moved.

I watched the lights in front of me turn amber, then red. No movement from her. Opposing traffic came to a stop. Still nothing. A quick pop on my horn and she still didn't budge.

The drivers to our right have started make their own left turns around us and at this point I'm leaning on my horn. She just sat there! It wasn't until the lights changed again to give us the advance green that she got out of everyone's way and I could stop feeling like a dumbass for being stuck behind her.

The thing that gets me is that as a female she's probably paying far less insurance than I am. What would Darwin have to say about this "modern" society of ours that not only tolerates incompetence, but rewards it as well?

This week my car has been salty enough to slap a Lay's logo on the side and sell it in bags at the corner store. Yesterday after being fed up with looking like a cocaine junkie from all of the white powder on my clothes I cashed in some Petro-Points and drove it through the wash.

Good: I've broken the curse of my freshly-cleaned car turning into a rain magnet the very next day.
Bad: The rain has been replaced with snow.
Ugly: Tomorrow morning the snow will be replaced with salt.

I get less respect than Rodney Dangerfield.

Little Penguin Australian wine rocks. Thanks Erin!

This weekend I went on a road trip organized by a local bar to watch the Baby Leafs play the Bulldogs in Hamilton. It wasn't a bad deal. Tickets are normally $22, but for 20 bucks we got a free drink and sausage at the bar, a coach to and from the game as well as all we could drink on the bus. About half of the people were with our group and it was a really good time even though my team lost.

Hockey and free beer. What could be better?

TSN reported yesterday that The Sporting News has released this year's list of most influential people in sports.

NHL commissioner Gary Bettman and NHLPA Executive Director Bob Goodenow both ranked behind Janet Jackson's right breast.

Twenty-minute drive to work this morning took over an hour. Snow blows. That is, unless you shovel it.

(ba-doom-CHING)

My brother has been on vacation for the past week and since then he and my neice have been hanging out at our house. Last night I found a cardboard box and dropped her inside, and had been pushing her up and down the hallway. Well I was, until the thing fell apart on me and she fell out.

I mean really... who needs Christmas presents when the packaging will do?

Last night's party was great. My friend's sister was housesitting for his very rich aunt and uncle. They took off to the Dominican for the holidays, so they told her, "Here's the house, fridges full of food and all of our booze. And an $80 roast. Have a party, knock yourself out."

So she did. Despite all of the food already there, everyone contributed something potluck style. In keeping with the tradition of potluck dinners, there was way too much food for everyone, especially for those trying to keep their buzz. It was yummy though, especially the desserts.

Despite the number of people staying over I still managed to find a bed, which is good because for some reason I don't sleep well folded in half on loveseats.

Happy 2005 everyone! Time for sleep...