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"A million monkeys banging on a million typewriters for a million years will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare." |
Wednesday, February 28, 2001
Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a woman's personality based on what she drinks. Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.
Drink: Beer Personality: Casual, low-maintenance, down to earth. Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool. Drink: Blender Drinks Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying, a pain in the butt. Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy. Drink: Mixed Drinks Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, very picky, knows exactly what she wants. Your Approach: You won't have to approach her; if she is interested, she'll send you a drink. Drink: Wine (does not include White Zinfandel, see below) Personality: Conservative and classy, sophisticated yet giggles. Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends. Drink: White Zinfandel Personality: Easy, thinks she is classy and sophisticated, but actually has no clue. Your Approach: Make her feel smarter than she is; this should be an easy target. Drink: Shots Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and is looking to get totally drunk ... and naked. Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed this evening. Nothing to do but wait. Then there is the male addendum: Domestic Beer: He's poor and wants to get laid. Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid. Wine: He's hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid. Whiskey: He doesn't give a hoot about anything but getting laid. Tequilla: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress. White Zinfandel: He's gay (and looking to get laid).
Support the 'Help Make Trish a Millionnairess' fund!
I've been receiving several comments lately about the sexual orientation of my StorTrooper. He has a story to tell that will hopefully clear up any misconceptions:
I walk up one day and sit down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister," I respond. "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?" "Yeah, my first blowjob." "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house." "No offence, sir, but if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will." Draw what conclusions you may. Tuesday, February 27, 2001
I've added a comments section to each of my posts thanks to BlogVoices. Feel free to leave cheers and praises by clicking the bubble below each post.
Monday, February 26, 2001
Jeff complained that my StorTrooper was missing from this site. I didn't really have room for it and it didn't really fit with the layout. He'll be back again closer to the middle of March.
Happy belated birthday Yvonne! As of February 21st she is now a quarter of a century old. This picture of her was taken before the existence of colour photography:
 Tee hee. Sunday, February 25, 2001
I'm blue da-da-dee-da-da-ba... Like my new layout? I thought my old one, though readable, looked like crap (I think). Well thanks to a very late night frustrated with nested tables I've remedied that. Many thanks to Trish for letting me use the tiled background she created.
Wow, it's been a good few days since I've posted anything, other than the management humour that Joe appreciated so much. To be honest, there really wasn't anything going on this week worth writing about, unless anyone wanted to read five days' worth of blogs starting with 'Slept in today...'. School starts again tomorrow so I'll probably have more to complain about next time. Ciao.
Management Lesson 4 of 4:
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him. Management Lesson: 1) Not everyone who drops shit on you is your enemy. 2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. 3) When you're in deep shit, keep your mouth shut. Saturday, February 24, 2001
Management Lesson 3 of 4:
When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be the Boss. The brain said, "I should be Boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions." The feet said, " We should be the Boss as we carry the brain around and get him to where he wants to go." The hands said, "We should be the Boss because we do all the work and earn all the money." And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the asshole being the Boss. So the asshole went on strike, blocked itself up and refused to work. Within a short time the eyes became crossed, the hands clenched, the feet twitched, the heart and lungs began to panic and the brain fevered. Eventually they all decided that the asshole should be the Boss, and the motion was passed. All the other parts did all the work while the Boss just sat and passed out the shit! Management Lesson: You don't need brains to be the Boss. Any asshole will do. Friday, February 23, 2001
Management Lesson 2 of 4:
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy". "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree. Management Lesson: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there. Thursday, February 22, 2001
Management Lesson 1 of 4:
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long? The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up. Wednesday, February 21, 2001
It's Spring Break and I haven't been home for the last couple days. I'm still not home. Right now I'm at Kelsey's aunt's (Karen) and uncle's (Kirk) place. Yesterday I was at my friend Lisa's in Pickering. It's been great... I get fed, don't do any dishes, get my bed made for me and generally don't have to lift a finger. Oh wait, that's every day. (Thanks mum!) Okay it's the same just in a new city with different company.
It would be nice to stay here awhile longer. When I get back I have to worry about catching up on schoolwork and such. Right now my biggest concern is how to divide my attention between Kirk's pooter screen and the Men In Black cartoon on tv. Ah dilemmas. Not much else to write about; I'll be back home tonight to collect messages from those starving for my attention. "We're sorry, you still have no new messages. Find some friends or stop calling here. This is a recording." Saturday, February 17, 2001  I met Donovan Bailey today. He came into our store with a friend of his looking for a laptop computer, insulted us on our selection and then left.I don't think I've met anyone recently who's as rude and arrogant as he was. Granted he is the fastest man on the planet and so maybe he is entitled to at least a little bit of insolence, but you would think that being (at least for a short while) the focus of national pride he would at least learn some basic manners. I pondered this further though, and realized he's just a person who eats and sleeps and shits like everyone else. And just like us regular folk, the rich and famous also come in a mryiad of personalities ranging from pleasant to prick. This one just happened to fall into the latter category. Still, it would have been nice for someone who was idolized by millions to be a better role model to those who look up to him. I guess next time I meet a celebrity I'll just have to avoid disappointment by lowering my expectations. I hope some day that I'm pleasantly surprised. Friday, February 16, 2001
A new way to watch the news.
Thursday, February 15, 2001
I was just reading Jish's blog about Sunday drivers in the left lane of the freeway. I was actually thinking the same thing after the particularily frustrating experience of driving to school this morning and was about to put up my own post about it. I was just beaten to it.
This after again almost being zapped by two cruisers waiting for the likes of me by the golf course entrance on the Uppermiddle Road bridge. Damn pigs...
To any readers I might have, sorry for neglecting my weblog for the last few days. It's been really insane, and I haven't really been home during waking hours.
I managed to get the side mirror fixed on my car without resorting to going back to the dealership. I went to the hardware store and the sales associate pointed to this glue that he guaranteed to work. I put it on and let it set overnight, and after two trips to Hamilton and one to Grimsby the mirror has yet to fall off. Woohoo, my Buick is being held together with glue... In other news, Valentine's Day went well. Kelsey cooked me a delicious dinner and dessert. My parents never really cooked a pasta at home though, so I kept messing up when trying to get the right amount of linguini on my fork. My apologies to Italians everywhere. That's all for now. Midterm tomorrow morning. Sunday, February 11, 2001
Goddammit... While backing out of my garage this morning I came a little too close to the side and knocked the passenger side view mirror off the car. Right now it's dangling by the cord. I'll probably be looking at around $300 in repairs.
Fothermucker.
I finally saw Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon last night. I had been meaning to see it for a few weeks ago but never got around to it. The flying characters took a little getting used to, but on the whole it was an excellent movie and well worth the AMC admission. I'll be looking for the DVD when it comes out.
Saturday, February 10, 2001 Thursday, February 08, 2001
While channel surfing today I came across this: According to the tv show Access Hollywood, rap star Eminem will be performing live at the next Grammy Awards show together with Elton John. This is really funny because besides the obvious chasm between the different music genres, Eminem's song lyrics have been interpreted as sexist and homophobic, and Elton John is probably the most prominent openly gay musician out there. Gay and lesbian organizations have asked Elton not to do the performance but to no avail. This is almost enough to make me want to watch the show. Almost... it's too bad I'm already booked to watch the grass grow.
Mother Nature is really funny sometimes. Toronto was buried under so much snow today that it took my dad almost four hours to drive to work. He usually gets there in under an hour. About a half-hour (normal) drive in the opposite direction from us is Hamilton, where I go to school. Not an inch of snow there, just rain. Weird...
I went to school today for 15 minutes of class. What a waste. Well, not totally. I had a midterm in my Economics of Sports class. All multiple choice and we were given a mark for filling in what version of the test we were writing. After that I spent the rest of the day hanging out in the SOCS lounge or in the restaurant/bar upstairs, and then headed to Copps Colliseum to pick up tickets for a Bulldogs game we're going to tomorrow. So like I said, the day wasn't a total waste.
I spent the last hour cleaning up the post below. Blogger kept messing up my table, but it's fixed now. I added a couple of pictures, too.
As promised, here are a few of the pictures from the SOCS Formal at the end of January. Click on the thumbnails to view larger images.
Wednesday, February 07, 2001
From Kelsey:
Procrastination is a lot like masturbation. It's fun for a while, but eventually you realize you're just screwing yourself.
Left home at 7:30 this morning and got back around 11:30 tonight. Sat through 7 hours of class... I think that's the most I've done in a long time. It would have been only 4 had I not missed my 3-hour Income Tax lecture yesterday. On the bright side I did learn that from a tax perspective individuals who own Canadian-Controlled Private Small Business Corporations are indifferent about whether they pay themselves by dividend or by salary for the first $200,000 of business income. Wee... Spring Break is how many days away?
Tuesday, February 06, 2001
Went to school today. Had four hours of class scheduled. Missed all of them. Hard work pays off in the long run but procrastination pays off now.
Sunday, February 04, 2001
Counterfeit Adulation has finally been updated for the first time since December. Thank God. I was getting sick of the Christmas theme.
Kelsey has decided to start using Blogger as well. She can be found here.
Thursday, February 01, 2001
Found this interesting...
With the high rate of attacks on women in secluded car parks, especially during evening hours, the Brisbane City Council has established a "Women Only" car park in Ann Street. Even the car park attendants are exclusively female so that a comfortable environment is created for patrons. Click here to view the first picture available of this world-first for Australia.
It's a sad day in Canadian sports. Looks like the Montreal Canadiens have a new American owner. At least they're wearing the right colours for it.
 
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