"A million monkeys banging on a million typewriters for a million years will eventually reproduce the entire works of Shakespeare."

The universe nearly collapsed on itself today.

While channel-surfing in my hotel tonight I found Rita MacNeil doing an Easter special from Cape Breton. I suppose CTV was lacking some Canadian content (according to rules put forth by our beloved government), and were desperate to fill the airtime. And fill they did.

I hadn't seen or heard from this folk singer since "Rita and Friends" was cancelled back in the 90's. I daresay that in the ten years that passed since then, that woman has managed to become even more immense. Even the slightest movement caused sweat to glisten on her jowls.

Watching this spectacle I became disoriented, and it started to appear as if my living room was being sucked down some giant drain. To my horror I realized what I had done; I was watching Rita in widescreen format, and the resulting combination must have broken the laws of physics and caused a rupture in the space-time continuum. The universe was folding in on itself, and I had to act fast.

Desperately I grabbed for the remote and flipped for dear life, searching for some safe haven. Finally I landed on Pussycat Dolls Present: The Search for the Next Doll, and space and time were restored to a balanced state.

We all owe you one, MTV.